Netflix is full of terrible horror movies. So You Don't Have To is a column where we force a writer to watch them so you don't have to. You're welcome.
To be completely honest, I’m not exactly sure what I just watched. Not in an Antichrist “I’m too stupid to understand this” way. I’m just convinced that a random number generator of horror movie tropes, cliches, and plot points played a critical part in the making of The House of the Witch. I could probably pull something out of my ass about how the disjointed nature of the script was meant to disorient the viewer, but let’s be real - it’s just a bad movie.
Before I get too critical, let’s take a step back and remember this is a made for TV flick from SyFy. There’s barely a budget, and they probably just needed to fill out their 2017 Halloween line up. But unluckily for all those involved, it’s on Netflix now, so the internet is making fun of them.
The Plot:
This is a low budget spooky season movie, so you can’t expect too much originality in the way of a plot. There’s an abandoned house, some kids go in on Halloween night, the rumors of it being haunted end up being true, and a bunch of people die. The baddie steals their organs or skin or general essence of youth or something like that. Are we exactly sure what the haunting is? No. Seems like a ghost, but one of the victims says “Not a ghost. The witch,” as though that’s some profound statement that makes everything make sense. So, we’ll split the difference and say the house is haunted by the witch’s ghost. Here is an artist’s rendition:
I will say that the overall concept does lend some unique ideas to the “trapped in a haunted house” genre. It doesn’t save this script, but I understand why this movie got the green light. “A ghost who steals organs” is one hell of an elevator pitch.
The Good:
I was dreading this section while I was watching the movie. I believe there’s something redeeming about every piece of art, but today my faith was tested.
But to try and find some good in this dumpster fire, I have to give credit to the actors. Emily Bader, Darren Mann, and Coy Stewart, the actors with the most screen time, all give great performances despite the script. You may have to cringe your way through some of the dialogue, but Mann especially holds your interest in a barely watchable movie.
One aspect of the movie I’ve seen a few other critics praise is the ending. The final sequence of the movie is beautifully shot, and without giving anything away, there is a decent twist. However, it’s hard to say if this was really a twist or if the script just did a terrible job setting up the only logical ending.
The Bad:
How do you summarize what was bad about a movie when the whole thing was “the bad?” Bullet points?
The dialogue
The special effects
The screenwriting
The scenery
The props
The lighting
The section from 0:00:01 to 1:30:00
There’s so little consistency in this movie that instead of laughing at how bad it is, you just feel like you skipped ahead 5 minutes. How did they bust through a wall in the basement and suddenly end up on the second floor? When did that guy get a scythe, and why don’t they head back downstairs and use it to break through the boarded up windows? How did he know there was a secret door there? Why does a ghost need to keep a person in a cage?
The Bottom Line:
I want 90 minutes of my life back. Learn from my mistakes. No matter how cool “a ghost that steals organs” sounds, House of the Witch is not worth your time.